Inspiration and Confidence

First, let me apologize for not getting this blog posted on Monday. I have been pretty busy proofreading the paperback of Souls Eternal and also sewing my daughter’s Halloween Costume. Second, I want to give fair warning that I may be opening up a bit more personal information in this post than I’m used to sharing. I will just apologize now if it ends up making you uncomfortable.

We hear about inspiration all the time. We can be inspired by many things, from movies, other books, television, people, places, and real-life events. We often wonder where that creative muse is that is supposed to inspire us to create great works of art or literature. I couldn’t tell you. But, I do know that the world is full of inspiration.

For my first book, inspiration came from several places. I was inspired by the actual past life regressions I had read about. That made me fascinated in reincarnation, in general. I have never been regressed, but I’m sure if I were, there would be something in my past life that would give some explanation about my fear of bridges. I will put that on my “to do” list for later.

Another source of inspiration, for me, came from documentaries and articles. I will watch and read anything dealing with archaeological findings. I love seeing all of the interesting things they find that have been buried for so long. I do have a particular interest in Pompeii and ancient Rome. I did a massive amount of research for this book, because there was no way I could actually get to Italy to research in person. But, that is another to add to my list.

I also took inspiration from other authors that encouraged us "newbie" authors to write, instead of finding them competitors, they considered them peers. Anne Rice was the biggest influence. I am proud to say that I am one of her "People of the Page". I don't actively comment on her posts often, but I read every single one. Her words of encouragement and advice have had a profound effect on my decision to self publish.

Real life was the biggest influence on my writing. If anyone listened to the podcast I did with The Less Desirables, I briefly mentioned that my character’s journey fictionally mirrored my own in the year that it took me to write the book. Yes, I had started it several years prior and never could get the flow going enough to continue it. And I found that what I had written was horrible, so I started again from scratch.

I was a mess of emotions when I started this book. I was essentially broken. I had recently been involved in a break up of a four year relationship and was dealing with an unexplainable illness that came on suddenly. I found myself not just alone, but lonely. I can handle being alone, but the loneliness was silently breaking me down. Don’t misunderstand; I do live with my daughter, but I work at home for my full time job and I have only one good friend where I live and no family. I was also, like a lot of people these days, on a tight budget. So, going “out” wasn’t much of an option either.

I have always struggled in one way or another with bouts of depression. I imagine there are quite a few creative people out there that also struggle with it. I could feel myself slipping deep into a depression from all that I was dealing with. I had to find a way to combat that. Writing was one of them.

A few years ago, I started on a spiritual journey with a fantastic group of local people. I was unable to complete the journey with them, but I continue to learn and apply what I learn daily. I had to re-train my mind to stop focusing on all the bad things happening in my life. I began to practice gratitude and training my thoughts to focus on the good things. I also had to convince myself that I was worthy of self-love. I have to give those wonderful people a shout-out for all of their positive posts on Facebook that kept me believing and pushing forward.

My self-esteem has always been a problem for me. And truthfully, I still struggle with my thoughts sometimes. But I now recognize that I am worth my own love. I started changing my thoughts and actions and being conscious when I was being negative, so I could correct that behavior. Do bad things still happen to me? Yes, but I’ve learned that my reaction to them is what determines the outcome of them.

I was asked in my interview with The Less Desirables if my character has any of my characteristics. Jensen Webster does have a few. Essentially, she does start out the book dealing with a break up and with low self-esteem. And as I took my journey to self-love and healing, I found my character also took the same journey.

I noticed about half-way through the book that I felt better. In fact, I felt good. I found myself having more happy moments full of laughter and less and less tear-filled moments. I became excited about writing and looked forward to sitting down every night to write Jensen’s journey.

I no longer felt lonely. Was I still alone? Yes, but I was surrounded by these characters that had become a huge part of my existence. They had become my friends.

By the time I finished the book, my mind was clear and emotionally, I felt amazing. I then began a journey of physical transformation. I didn’t start it because of how I look; I started it for my health and how I physically felt. Any physical changes that have happened from it is just a happy side-effect.

A comment was made to me by my editor, Amanda Bowyer, when she reached the last few chapters of the book. She said that my writing became denser toward the end, like I had become more confident in my writing. Essentially, I had. And my character, Jensen, had too.

I thoroughly enjoyed writing this book. I have no unrealistic expectations about it selling well. I know full well that most indie authors struggle and some hardly ever make a sale. This book was more about my own journey to self-love and empowerment. (That doesn’t mean that I won’t continue writing, though.) I have been bitten by the bug and fully intend to keep writing; even if I have to continue working full-time for someone else to make my living.